Album Review: Various Artists- Punk Goes Pop 5

Greetings, children. Donald here. Look, I'm not going to sugar-coat this: I hate the Punk Goes series. Sure, there are usually a couple good covers on every release, but when you consider the fact that it's only a tool for Fearless Records to pretend that record labels are still relevant in today's industry, and half the time it's just a bunch of artists covering the biggest pop hits of the year to gain a few fans the cheap, uncreative way, the series just doesn't have legs to stand. Think about it: there's a reason bands like Brand New, Circa Survive, The Gaslight Anthem, Underoath, and bands who pride themselves on artistic integrity have never contributed to the series. Even bands like A Day to Remember, Bayside, and The Devil Wears Prada have done one cover, realized it was a joke, haven't been back since. Hell, on Punk Goes Pop 5, Craig Owens couldn't even get the rest of Chiodos to help him with his cover of Coldplay's "Paradise." I know what you're thinking: it's something bands do for fun, and it's not meant to be taken this seriously. That's fine. It just gives me an excuse to not take my review of this mess seriously. However, given how especially bad some of these covers are, I knew I didn't want to suffer alone. So, for the first time in Keep Calm  and Carry On history, Craig and I are co-authoring an album review. Only problem (for me) is, Craig hated this so much that he didn't want to waste his words on it (he actually said that, out loud), so he decided to use .gifs to describe his feelings for each track. So, for better or for worse, here's our review of Puke-uh, I mean, Punk Goes Pop 5.

Bruno Mars' "Grenade," as performed by Memphis May Fire

Donald's Take: Memphis May Fire look to keep the momentum going from a solid showing at this summer's Warped Tour by offering up their take on this Bruno Mars mega-hit. While they sure sound angrier than Bruno Mars's emotionally-charged original, they don't come anywhere close to sounding better.

Craig's take:

Fun.'s "Some Nights", as performed by Like Moths to Flames
Donald's Take: I don't even know who I'm more mad at: Like Moths to Flames for even attempting to cover this incredible song (one of the best of 2012), or Fueled By Ramen Records for actually letting LMTF take a hack at it. This is literally one of the worst things I've ever heard.

Craig's take:

Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," as performed by Upon This Dawning
Donald's take: Carly Rae Jepsen's summer anthem gets a screamo makeover, loaded with more autotune, breakdowns, and some extra profanity. It's as bad as you think it is.

Craig's take:

Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know," as performed by Mayday Parade ft. Vic Fuentes
Donald's take: Every time Fearless does one of these, Mayday Parade is a band you can pencil in to be on it. That being said, their cover of Gotye's unexpected phenomenon is surprisingly solid, as the band successfully apply their pop-rock stylings to the song. The band take a HUGE creative risk by enlisting Vic Fuentes to do Kimbra's part, but it pays big dividends, as Fuentes's nasally croon comes across wonderfully. Everyone was probably expecting Mayday Parade to enlist Cassadee Pope, Tay Jardine, or Sierra Kusterbeck to do the part, but to see them do something from left field and actually have it pay off almost makes this whole thing worthwhile.

Craig's take:

The Wanted's "Glad You Came," as performed by We Came As Romans
Donald's take: I think this is my favorite of the .gifs that Craig found, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Craig's take:

Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean," as performed by Breathe Carolina
Donald's take: I really can't even believe a band like Breathe Carolina had the audacity to cover the King of Pop. Poor taste from a poor band.

Craig's take:

Rihanna's "We Found Love," as performed by Forever The Sickest Kids
Donald's take: This is a song that Forever the Sickest Kids could have knocked out of the park, but between the hype man banter and the screams (yes, a Forever the Sickest Kids song that has screaming in it), it goes right back to the pool of mediocrity with the rest of the songs.

Craig's take:

Justin Beiber's "Boyfriend," as performed by Issues
Donald's take: Chances are, this is the first you've heard of Issues, the new project of Tyler Carter and Michael Bolm, the outcasted co-vocalists formerly in Woe, Is Me. If you listen close enough, you'll probably come to the conclusion that not a lot has changed, which means that the awful band Woe, Is Me has caused the birth of Issues, who are well on their way to being another awful band. And in these circumstances, we all lose. Especially the Biebs.

Craig's take:

Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," as performed by The Maine ft. Adam Lazzara
Donald's take: After their most recent full-length Pioneer dropped, people were introduced to The Maine as a band in the process of reinventing themselves. Their cover of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," a song they probably ripped off on an earlier album (remember "Girls Do What they Want"?), but this creative take on the track is the best one you'll hear on Punk Goes Pop 5. The band's improvements have been made note of by Lazzara, who was kind enough to lend his vocals to the track, and when he harmonizes with John O' Callaghan, it's something special. The Maine have pleasantly surprised everyone with this cover. Kudos.

Craig's take:

 Maroon 5's "Payphone," as performed by Crown The Empire
Donald's take: The first band with a generic (verb) the (noun) nickname produces a generic screamo cover of a generic pop hit. This all feels so... redundant.

Craig's take:

Coldplay's "Paradise," as performed by Craig Owens
Donald's take: I'm a pretty jaded dude, but I somehow found a way to have some hope for Craig Owens's cover of "Paradise." He  had the voice for it, and it's a pretty good song. There's just something missing here, though. The cover itself is pretty straightforward, which is fine, but there's something left to be desired.

Craig's take:

G.O.O.D Music's "Mercy," as performed by The Word Alive
Donald's take: The Word Alive have attempted to cover a Kanye song before (they did "Heartless" on Punk Goes Pop 3), and that was bad. This one's worse, and I didn't even think that was possible.

Craig's take:

Gym Class Heroes' "Ass Back Home," as performed by Secrets
Donald's take: Aren't Gym Class Heroes an indie band? Shouldn't they be safe from these horrors? Guess not. You're not going to believe this, but this one's really bad, too.

Craig's take:

The Bottom Line, Donald's take: In a series of releases that has become known for being substance-less, Puke Goes Pop 5 stands out as a simple cash grab by a label that's only trying to push the current "it" scene bands. If you really want to listen to the whole thing, be my guest, but I'm telling you right now, the only three covers worth listening to are The Maine's cover of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," Mayday Parade's cover of "Somebody that I Used to Know," and Craig Owens's cover of "Paradise," in that order. You've been warned.

The Bottom Line, Craig's take:

Recommended if you rock: Root canals, people who end 9 out of 10 sentences with the word "bro," bands who label themselves "punk" but totally aren't, walking through the rain without an umbrella, and destroying the integrity of the few good pop songs there have been this year.